I'm doing my taxes today and I come to this issue. If I claim everything I think I should my claim numbers may raise a red flag and thats the thing I want to avoid the most. So I'm tihnking about claiming less then I actually used for my company just to make the numbers smaller and seem more reasonable.
Anyway that was just a side note.
Writing is sometimes tough. There are so many things to look at and some ideas just don't have the weight behind them they often need. For instance if you have this idea for something epic you have to actually make it epic. There has to be the journey from nothing to something. To have powerful enemies and circumstances there has to be a character strong enough to defeat them and to just state that someone is that is not enough it has no weight and substance to it. The character has to earn the power it carries with it.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Those magic changes
Something changes every day. I don't have much to say on the subject only because it is 2:30 in the morning. But every day things change. Nothing is constant or 100%. Live life to the fullest, every moment is one that will never happen again and one less in your life.
I'm trying too hard. I know how to roll with the punches, I'm just getting scared that she will not be willing to roll with me, to take the risks I take freely. I don't want to see her fall and I will not be the one to pull her down. But I can't let go of my dreams and my goals. I just need to let them happen, to find out how to make them happen.
Maybe I need some sort of schedual, something concrete that I never vey from. Maybe...
I'm trying too hard. I know how to roll with the punches, I'm just getting scared that she will not be willing to roll with me, to take the risks I take freely. I don't want to see her fall and I will not be the one to pull her down. But I can't let go of my dreams and my goals. I just need to let them happen, to find out how to make them happen.
Maybe I need some sort of schedual, something concrete that I never vey from. Maybe...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Zombies?
I recently started writing on this forum. And it got me to thinking, "Man why don't I have a blog where I can just write about zombies!" Then I could have kicked myself. I do have a blog where I can just write about zombies, in fact that is the sole purpose of my other blog. So I thought I would write here about how silly I was.
Also how silly I've been of late. You see I've been seeing this wonderful girl and I just resently asked her father if I could court her. Then I suddenly became worried after my talk with him that what if he said no? I was so worried and leading up to that I had been so worried about being able to support myself and her but I was just with her at church last Sunday and I realized how everything will be fine. I forgot how much of a survivor I am and not only that I feel more then ever like this is right, like God put us together at this time for a reason and that He wants to bless me with such a wonderful, beautiful woman. That He will provide for us and how foolish it was of me to ever doubt that. I've gotten by and I always will get by. No matter the strugle and I believe in her I've found someone not to add to my pile of responcibilities and worries but to help me travel my path, a companion given by God so I don't have to walk the hardships alone and I can share the His goodness and love with someone.
Also I can see exciting things coming in the future. I just have to keep my head up and reep the seeds I have sown and remember to keep sowing the good seeds so I can continue to have great harvests.
Also how silly I've been of late. You see I've been seeing this wonderful girl and I just resently asked her father if I could court her. Then I suddenly became worried after my talk with him that what if he said no? I was so worried and leading up to that I had been so worried about being able to support myself and her but I was just with her at church last Sunday and I realized how everything will be fine. I forgot how much of a survivor I am and not only that I feel more then ever like this is right, like God put us together at this time for a reason and that He wants to bless me with such a wonderful, beautiful woman. That He will provide for us and how foolish it was of me to ever doubt that. I've gotten by and I always will get by. No matter the strugle and I believe in her I've found someone not to add to my pile of responcibilities and worries but to help me travel my path, a companion given by God so I don't have to walk the hardships alone and I can share the His goodness and love with someone.
Also I can see exciting things coming in the future. I just have to keep my head up and reep the seeds I have sown and remember to keep sowing the good seeds so I can continue to have great harvests.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Writing
Writing is about what? It's experiencing life and building ideas, opinions and social theories based on that experience. Staying static in one place does nothing for the mind seeking experience.
I'm not capable of maintaining a regular job not because I don't have the smarts or the ability but because I cannot stand for imperfection, hypocrisy and mediocrity. Not even imperfection, everything is less than perfect but things should at least try to be better then they are. People should strive to improve their situations and the circumstances they find themselves in but I am shunned because of this. However I find I write the most (if maybe not the best) while stimulated by such adversity and pain. For instance at my current :job" my manager is stating I am not doing my job well enough, this is because he does not like me but I fought back with the fact I never received proper training. And now am locked in a huge battle over me having not been trained because suddenly the manager is at question for the incompetent supervisor he has put all of his faith in. This turned quickly from something almost artistic into a rant.
Staying static does the creative mind no good. But that means I will always be afraid, afraid because I will never be secure. I am constantly in a battle for funds and security, this battle is not helped by my horrid luck which destroys every vehicle I try to get. Vehicles which I view as my security, something that I can buy and claim as my own and improve and use to bring me to new experiences.
Being in one place offers no new stimulation, but only limits and pointless goals which are often put in place to hinder progress instead of advance it.
As such I have begun my search for new employment. I decided a few weeks ago that I could not have a regular job and I still believe that. I am scared that because of my inability to stay in one place for a period of longer then a few months (I managed to last over a year at my current job!) that I will never build up a strong enough reference to get on later in life But then again I have a broader range of experience than most people I know, including those of "wizened years." I have discovered that my experience, knowledge and maturity is equal to that of people in their early to mid thirties. This of course is an average and only based on the people I have met and had the pleasure of learning about in my life thus far.
My masochistic nature also makes me feel superior to many of my "seniors" because I know they have not experienced as much of life as I have and could not survive some of the things that I have survived. I put a great deal of value on survival and can harbour a lot of bitterness for people who are given everything or who slide through life with no challenges or even desires to become a better person.
What of course is a better person? Well that is up to interpretation. To me a better person is someone who can do more, knows more, survives more, is more capable of these things then they were the day before. I personally believe for me being a better person means being a better writer but I do not know how to obtain that except by writing and training, and writing is often hard without stimulation and training requires money I do not have. Money. How I hate money and the constant demand for more of it, the need to have money because in the society we live in money does buy happiness. It is hard to find a way to make money, and as I watch my peers either discover their path or fall into line with the drones of society I find myself somewhere in the middle and afraid of falling into some place of nothingness known as the low-income or below the poverty line. I'm not scared of being poor, I'm scared of society making my life miserable because I am poor. Will my wife love me if I'm homeless? Will my parents take care of me? How long can I live off of them? I feel horrible even living with them now and like a failure that I haven't been successful enough to move out and live on my own yet.
I feel like I need to find a woman with a plan and a strong, well paying career but I don't want to have a sugar-momma. Part of my current issues with being in a relation is this fear of being poor and having a woman who resents that because she makes more then I do, or on the other hand being with a woman who has no money or career goals and finding we cannot support ourselves. I work with low-income families and I do not want to bring anyone into a world like that nor do I want to lead that life myself. However that means I have to either submit to the day-to-day monotony or make a break for myself somehow and make my corner of the sky. It's times like these where I thrash out and don't know if I will ever make it work because I can't work hard enough, I don't have the connections or the resources, I make excuses but not for the sake of excuses but because I want there to be something I can fix. Something to work on and change because I do not know the answer. Which I suppose only means I have not found my place yet and I must keep looking but looking requires time and money, two things I feel are constantly against me, a feeling society places on each individual so that we will be split and create the gap between the ridiculously successful in their fields and the average joe. This fear is created by creating the gap between the average joe and the homeless and depressed. A gap which looks so easy to cross which the gap to becoming successful looks so difficult. The trick to life is finding or rather building a bridge across that gap. The mistake I try to avoid but seem to fall into is trying to cross the gap on someone else's bridge, however my pride and practicality make me leave this path every time. The struggle to build the bridge is one we all face and I think part of the key must be not to take someone else's bridge but perhaps to take parts of their bridges, designs and materials when creating your own. This of course sometimes feels incorrect and I feel that I must build my own from scratch which during Manic periods appears to be no big deal, like I could build one for me and all my friends while sleeping. And during depressed periods it feels like even beginning is a task to big for me to ever attempt without an entire team of people supporting me. And the rest of the time? I am like this. Lost, struggling to find something just like everyone else is I suppose.
I'm not capable of maintaining a regular job not because I don't have the smarts or the ability but because I cannot stand for imperfection, hypocrisy and mediocrity. Not even imperfection, everything is less than perfect but things should at least try to be better then they are. People should strive to improve their situations and the circumstances they find themselves in but I am shunned because of this. However I find I write the most (if maybe not the best) while stimulated by such adversity and pain. For instance at my current :job" my manager is stating I am not doing my job well enough, this is because he does not like me but I fought back with the fact I never received proper training. And now am locked in a huge battle over me having not been trained because suddenly the manager is at question for the incompetent supervisor he has put all of his faith in. This turned quickly from something almost artistic into a rant.
Staying static does the creative mind no good. But that means I will always be afraid, afraid because I will never be secure. I am constantly in a battle for funds and security, this battle is not helped by my horrid luck which destroys every vehicle I try to get. Vehicles which I view as my security, something that I can buy and claim as my own and improve and use to bring me to new experiences.
Being in one place offers no new stimulation, but only limits and pointless goals which are often put in place to hinder progress instead of advance it.
As such I have begun my search for new employment. I decided a few weeks ago that I could not have a regular job and I still believe that. I am scared that because of my inability to stay in one place for a period of longer then a few months (I managed to last over a year at my current job!) that I will never build up a strong enough reference to get on later in life But then again I have a broader range of experience than most people I know, including those of "wizened years." I have discovered that my experience, knowledge and maturity is equal to that of people in their early to mid thirties. This of course is an average and only based on the people I have met and had the pleasure of learning about in my life thus far.
My masochistic nature also makes me feel superior to many of my "seniors" because I know they have not experienced as much of life as I have and could not survive some of the things that I have survived. I put a great deal of value on survival and can harbour a lot of bitterness for people who are given everything or who slide through life with no challenges or even desires to become a better person.
What of course is a better person? Well that is up to interpretation. To me a better person is someone who can do more, knows more, survives more, is more capable of these things then they were the day before. I personally believe for me being a better person means being a better writer but I do not know how to obtain that except by writing and training, and writing is often hard without stimulation and training requires money I do not have. Money. How I hate money and the constant demand for more of it, the need to have money because in the society we live in money does buy happiness. It is hard to find a way to make money, and as I watch my peers either discover their path or fall into line with the drones of society I find myself somewhere in the middle and afraid of falling into some place of nothingness known as the low-income or below the poverty line. I'm not scared of being poor, I'm scared of society making my life miserable because I am poor. Will my wife love me if I'm homeless? Will my parents take care of me? How long can I live off of them? I feel horrible even living with them now and like a failure that I haven't been successful enough to move out and live on my own yet.
I feel like I need to find a woman with a plan and a strong, well paying career but I don't want to have a sugar-momma. Part of my current issues with being in a relation is this fear of being poor and having a woman who resents that because she makes more then I do, or on the other hand being with a woman who has no money or career goals and finding we cannot support ourselves. I work with low-income families and I do not want to bring anyone into a world like that nor do I want to lead that life myself. However that means I have to either submit to the day-to-day monotony or make a break for myself somehow and make my corner of the sky. It's times like these where I thrash out and don't know if I will ever make it work because I can't work hard enough, I don't have the connections or the resources, I make excuses but not for the sake of excuses but because I want there to be something I can fix. Something to work on and change because I do not know the answer. Which I suppose only means I have not found my place yet and I must keep looking but looking requires time and money, two things I feel are constantly against me, a feeling society places on each individual so that we will be split and create the gap between the ridiculously successful in their fields and the average joe. This fear is created by creating the gap between the average joe and the homeless and depressed. A gap which looks so easy to cross which the gap to becoming successful looks so difficult. The trick to life is finding or rather building a bridge across that gap. The mistake I try to avoid but seem to fall into is trying to cross the gap on someone else's bridge, however my pride and practicality make me leave this path every time. The struggle to build the bridge is one we all face and I think part of the key must be not to take someone else's bridge but perhaps to take parts of their bridges, designs and materials when creating your own. This of course sometimes feels incorrect and I feel that I must build my own from scratch which during Manic periods appears to be no big deal, like I could build one for me and all my friends while sleeping. And during depressed periods it feels like even beginning is a task to big for me to ever attempt without an entire team of people supporting me. And the rest of the time? I am like this. Lost, struggling to find something just like everyone else is I suppose.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Favorite actor!
I just discovered my favorite actor played Lady Chatterly's lover in the movie! A character who I've had playwriters and directors compare me too.
This actor in particular is Sean Bean. Who has played every role I want, a James Bond villian AND and double 0 agent, Boromir, Richard Sharpe and the list just goes on. He is a fabulas actor who it seems is slowly gaining credit.
This post wasn't about much in particular. Just that.
This actor in particular is Sean Bean. Who has played every role I want, a James Bond villian AND and double 0 agent, Boromir, Richard Sharpe and the list just goes on. He is a fabulas actor who it seems is slowly gaining credit.
This post wasn't about much in particular. Just that.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Conversations with girls
Lately this has been my conversation with most girls, I'm "2" and most girls are "1"
1-"General greeting."
2-"General response."
1-"Question to show interest."
2-"Excited answer. Question somewhat related."
1-"Depressing answer."
2-"..."
1-"Sigh"
2-"..."
1-"..."
2-"Empathy?"
1-"Something even more depressing."
2-"...Excuse to leave."
Come on girls, give me something to work with. You can't complain I don't talk to you but the only variation to the monotony above is when the girl tries making me jealous in her last line. I have a super hot girlfriend! And she treats me better then you ever did. Sorry I won't be jealous and my life sucks more then all of yours combined but I manage to get by, in fact, we all do so if you want support fine but I'm not going to be part of your pity party and I don't feel bad when you try to guilt me about not being a good enough friend. I'm an amazing friend, I know that, I don't need to make you feel good when you obvious just want to abuse that friendship.
Now this seems like it's really specific to one girl but the sad part is, it isn't haha! So girls if you've wondered why I don't talk to you as much as I once did it's because most (if not ALL) of our conversations go like the above. Figure out something new OR change it up and actually make some time to spend with me doing something fun and then see how quickly I become your best friend again ;)
1-"General greeting."
2-"General response."
1-"Question to show interest."
2-"Excited answer. Question somewhat related."
1-"Depressing answer."
2-"..."
1-"Sigh"
2-"..."
1-"..."
2-"Empathy?"
1-"Something even more depressing."
2-"...Excuse to leave."
Come on girls, give me something to work with. You can't complain I don't talk to you but the only variation to the monotony above is when the girl tries making me jealous in her last line. I have a super hot girlfriend! And she treats me better then you ever did. Sorry I won't be jealous and my life sucks more then all of yours combined but I manage to get by, in fact, we all do so if you want support fine but I'm not going to be part of your pity party and I don't feel bad when you try to guilt me about not being a good enough friend. I'm an amazing friend, I know that, I don't need to make you feel good when you obvious just want to abuse that friendship.
Now this seems like it's really specific to one girl but the sad part is, it isn't haha! So girls if you've wondered why I don't talk to you as much as I once did it's because most (if not ALL) of our conversations go like the above. Figure out something new OR change it up and actually make some time to spend with me doing something fun and then see how quickly I become your best friend again ;)
Friday, February 11, 2011
Blogging bug
Okay so this blog is my own indulgence I don't expect anyone else to view it as I will only be putting things up here that I think are awesome or have to do with me and the things I think are awesome. If you want to see something I'm writing for the public and is also awesome go here. If you want to see some of my actual work check out No Snowcones at a Fringe near you.
Also this blog is where I will send anyone who wants to buy me shi-... stuff. My parents will probably see this. As I HATE telling people what to buy me. I think anyone who feels they should buy me something probably knows me well enough to get me something I'd like. HOWEVER I did get a bunch of heroclix for my birthday that I already own. I loved them and really appreciated the gesture but realized maybe I need to be a touch more specific in my "get me whatever you think I'd like" style, at least when it comes to my hobbies. So I will also be posting lists, some of stuff I want, some of stuff I already have.
I'll also be writing whatever I want to write so there might be a lot of random stuff, just letting you know... you've been warned. Random s...tuff. Maybe stories about myself or my past, maybe fiction I wrote a long time ago, maybe fiction I will write on the spot for your entertainment! But it won't be for your entertainment it will be for my own entertainment because I still don't expect anyone to read this, especially this far.
That last line makes it sound like I'm writing a profile on a dating site.
Which I have done, more then once. Little thing about girls on dating sites, they all love horses! All of them. They are also either pretty or smart, never both. But never fear my valiant (self) reader. I do have a wonderful girlfriend who I did not meet online. I still check those online profiles now and then if I'm feeling down and it makes me laugh. Now you know something about me. Maybe you already knew, maybe you didn't. Also I love the movie "Fired Up" it's a chick flick sort of... more importantly it's really funny. I'm listening to a song on the radio that is in the soundtrack. There you learned something else about me. You are learning all my little secrets. I listen to the radio. Also I like chick flicks and funny movies.
Again with the sounding like a dating profile. I don't want to date you! Unless you are my girlfriend. Then I really do want to date you. A lot.
Anyway (because anyways isn't a word,) this is my personal blog so deal with it and don't read it if you don't like it!
Mike D.
Also this blog is where I will send anyone who wants to buy me shi-... stuff. My parents will probably see this. As I HATE telling people what to buy me. I think anyone who feels they should buy me something probably knows me well enough to get me something I'd like. HOWEVER I did get a bunch of heroclix for my birthday that I already own. I loved them and really appreciated the gesture but realized maybe I need to be a touch more specific in my "get me whatever you think I'd like" style, at least when it comes to my hobbies. So I will also be posting lists, some of stuff I want, some of stuff I already have.
I'll also be writing whatever I want to write so there might be a lot of random stuff, just letting you know... you've been warned. Random s...tuff. Maybe stories about myself or my past, maybe fiction I wrote a long time ago, maybe fiction I will write on the spot for your entertainment! But it won't be for your entertainment it will be for my own entertainment because I still don't expect anyone to read this, especially this far.
That last line makes it sound like I'm writing a profile on a dating site.
Which I have done, more then once. Little thing about girls on dating sites, they all love horses! All of them. They are also either pretty or smart, never both. But never fear my valiant (self) reader. I do have a wonderful girlfriend who I did not meet online. I still check those online profiles now and then if I'm feeling down and it makes me laugh. Now you know something about me. Maybe you already knew, maybe you didn't. Also I love the movie "Fired Up" it's a chick flick sort of... more importantly it's really funny. I'm listening to a song on the radio that is in the soundtrack. There you learned something else about me. You are learning all my little secrets. I listen to the radio. Also I like chick flicks and funny movies.
Again with the sounding like a dating profile. I don't want to date you! Unless you are my girlfriend. Then I really do want to date you. A lot.
Anyway (because anyways isn't a word,) this is my personal blog so deal with it and don't read it if you don't like it!
Mike D.
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