Writing

Writing is about what? It's experiencing life and building ideas, opinions and social theories based on that experience. Staying static in one place does nothing for the mind seeking experience.

I'm not capable of maintaining a regular job not because I don't have the smarts or the ability but because I cannot stand for imperfection, hypocrisy and mediocrity. Not even imperfection, everything is less than perfect but things should at least try to be better then they are. People should strive to improve their situations and the circumstances they find themselves in but I am shunned because of this. However I find I write the most (if maybe not the best) while stimulated by such adversity and pain. For instance at my current :job" my manager is stating I am not doing my job well enough, this is because he does not like me but I fought back with the fact I never received proper training. And now am locked in a huge battle over me having not been trained because suddenly the manager is at question for the incompetent supervisor he has put all of his faith in. This turned quickly from something almost artistic into a rant.

Staying static does the creative mind no good. But that means I will always be afraid, afraid because I will never be secure. I am constantly in a battle for funds and security, this battle is not helped by my horrid luck which destroys every vehicle I try to get. Vehicles which I view as my security, something that I can buy and claim as my own and improve and use to bring me to new experiences.

Being in one place offers no new stimulation, but only limits and pointless goals which are often put in place to hinder progress instead of advance it.

As such I have begun my search for new employment. I decided a few weeks ago that I could not have a regular job and I still believe that. I am scared that because of my inability to stay in one place for a period of longer then a few months (I managed to last over a year at my current job!) that I will never build up a strong enough reference to get on later in life But then again I have a broader range of experience than most people I know, including those of "wizened years." I have discovered that my experience, knowledge and maturity is equal to that of people in their early to mid thirties. This of course is an average and only based on the people I have met and had the pleasure of learning about in my life thus far.

My masochistic nature also makes me feel superior to many of my "seniors" because I know they have not experienced as much of life as I have and could not survive some of the things that I have survived. I put a great deal  of value on survival and can harbour a lot of bitterness for people who are given everything or who slide through life with no challenges or even desires to become a better person.

What of course is a better person? Well that is up to interpretation. To me a better person is someone who can do more, knows more, survives more, is more capable of these things then they were the day before. I personally believe for me being a better person means being a better writer but I do not know how to obtain that except by writing and training, and writing is often hard without stimulation and training requires money I do not have. Money. How I hate money and the constant demand for more of it, the need to have money because in the society we live in money does buy happiness. It is hard to find a way to make money, and as I watch my peers either discover their path or fall into line with the drones of society I find myself somewhere in the middle and afraid of falling into some place of nothingness known as the low-income or below the poverty line. I'm not scared of being poor, I'm scared of society making my life miserable because I am poor. Will my wife love me if I'm homeless? Will my parents take care of me? How long can I live off of them? I feel horrible even living with them now and like a failure that I haven't been successful enough to move out and live on my own yet.

I feel like I need to find a woman with a plan and a strong, well paying career but I don't want to have a sugar-momma. Part of my current issues with being in a relation is this fear of being poor and having a woman who resents that because she makes more then I do, or on the other hand being with a woman who has no money or career goals and finding we cannot support ourselves. I work with low-income families and I do not want to bring anyone into a world like that nor do I want to lead that life myself. However that means I have to either submit to the day-to-day monotony or make a break for myself somehow and make my corner of the sky. It's times like these where I thrash out and don't know if I will ever make it work because I can't work hard enough, I don't have the connections or the resources, I make excuses but not for the sake of excuses but because I want there to be something I can fix. Something to work on and change because I do not know the answer. Which I suppose only means I have not found my place yet and I must keep looking but looking requires time and money, two things I feel are constantly against me, a feeling society places on each individual so that we will be split and create the gap between the ridiculously successful in their fields and the average joe. This fear is created by creating the gap between the average joe and the homeless and depressed. A gap which looks so easy to cross which the gap to becoming successful looks so difficult. The trick to life is finding or rather building a bridge across that gap. The mistake I try to avoid but seem to fall into is trying to cross the gap on someone else's bridge, however my pride and practicality make me leave this path every time. The struggle to build the bridge is one we all face and I think part of the key must be not to take someone else's bridge but perhaps to take parts of their bridges, designs and materials when creating your own. This of course sometimes feels incorrect and I feel that I must build my own from scratch which during Manic periods appears to be no big deal, like I could build one for me and all my friends while sleeping. And during depressed periods it feels like even beginning is a task to big for me to ever attempt without an entire team of people supporting me. And the rest of the time? I am like this. Lost, struggling to find something just like everyone else is I suppose.